I was the down and out girl next door from the wrong side of the tracks, with a well-meaning but sad sack dad and a sainted mom who died of a horrible yet vague disease when I was five. By the time high school rolled around, I was a freaky geek – just another suburban casualty, shrouding her emotions and scoliosis stoop in gender-neutral black Goth clothes.
When I first saw you, I was eating a plain rice cake. I was sitting in the park. I opted to sit on a bench because sometimes my feet fall asleep if I sit criss-cross on grass. I had just had quite the scare – my rice cake crumbled onto my new khaki jeans (a premium sale from Kohl’s), and I was in for quite a mess. Then, as fate will have it, you walked past me and I thought “there’s a person."
My love. The day has finally come. I made a list of things that I love about you and our relationship:
1. Our respect for boundaries: People always said “Just wait -- as soon as you get married, you’ll move from a cuddly queen bed to a spacious, don’t-touch-me-with-your-stanky-ass-feet king size bed.” Joke's on them! We already have a king size bed, and I haven’t seen the underbelly of your feet for nine years!
1. Argues in favor of the oft-ignored “Forest Fire” theme.
2. Keeps asking groom if he’s been circumcised.
1. Parole officer, even if you do think of him as family.
2. Risqué 70s Cover Band, Sly and the Family Bone.
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