Cake pops are like those little Chihuahuas that ladies carry around in their purses—cute, but ultimately useless and irritating. I know that weddings should have a certain degree of cuteness, but there IS such a thing as too cute. And a tiny piece of cake on a stick, bedazzled with sprinkles or decorated like a tiny bride? THAT is too cute. 

You know what a cake pop looks like? A lollipop. And you know who eats lollipops? Children.

On your wedding day, don’t you want to at least pretend you’re a grownup? I know using a fork to eat your cake is hard, but maybe your husband could help by pretending it’s an airplane or a choo choo train. Or you know what? Maybe you should just lean into it and also serve jars of baby food, have a naptime in the middle of the reception, and hire The Wiggles as your wedding band.

Also, cake pops are just plain annoying. Have you ever heard someone say, “I love cake, but I wish it was harder to eat?” Well, cake pops are the answer to that concern. Every cake pop is less than a bite of cake, and you have to eat it really carefully so you don’t stab yourself in the mouth with the stick. Then, you have to proceed to eat six more cake pops if you ever hope to get full. And cake pops lack the best part of the cake: the icing. Because you need to cover a cake pop in something hard, like chocolate, for the stick to even stay in. Cake pops should really be called “chocolate lollipops with crumbs in the middle,” or more to the point, “cake flops.” 

There are plenty of other ways to infuse your dessert table with a sense of fun and playfulness. You could include favorite recipes from your family, have an ice cream sundae bar, or even better, set out a table of Girl Scout Cookies. Thin Mints beat cake pops ANY day.